Early mornings have become my time of reckoning. I lie in bed as the ever so slight evidence of daybreak creeps in through the windows and the shadows slowly start to fade away. Usually, this reckoning begins with my sudden awakening followed by thoughts that eagerly rush in as if they’ve been impatiently waiting all day and night to invade the space in my head, the way they did the morning before and the morning before that. Thoughts of life, family, friends, happiness, frustrations, continuity and change. Questions about who I am, what I’ve done and where I’m going all clouding my head. I reflect on previous days and what I should have done but didn’t do, things I should have said but didn’t say, things I could have or should have done differently, and then I look ahead to things still yet to be said and done.
I don’t remember having these frequent “come to Jesus” moments when I was younger. So, I wonder what it is about me today, that begs this daily reckoning. Is it a result of my ever-growing faith that constantly compels me to search my soul? Is it a factor of time and lessons learnt on the inevitability of my mortality? Or is it something that happens naturally to us as we get older? Is it natural that as we start aging, we start reflecting on our lives more and we also start thinking about how we’re spending the precious time we have left?
I don’t know all the answers, but I’m guessing it’s most likely a combination of different factors for different people. Whatever the case, I believe that life eventually begs a reckoning from each and every one of us. Whether it’s sooner or later, we all have to come face to face with who we are, what we have done and where we’re going. Whether we choose to acknowledge this, or answer, is up to us. For me, most mornings I close my eyes and pray for forgiveness and mercy for anything I may have done or didn’t do and then I ask for the strength to be better.