The Incompatibility Code

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I’m surrounded by a lot of young people in my life. I have a host of nieces, nephews, cousins, and friends, and I consider myself blessed, on most days, to have three young men of my own who are happy and healthy, and for the most part, still living at home. Having them under my roof, gives me the privilege of observing them in their relationships. I think it’s safe to say, smart phones and social media have totally changed the “dating game”. Today the ideas of privacy and “absence making the heart grow fonder”, are fading concepts and thanks to cell phones, young couples are always joined by the hips, or rather by the ears, or is it the face now.

Thankfully though, it appears, the fundamentals of dating and relationships, are still intact. The reality is, old or young, technology or not, we’re all social beings with wants and needs, and we want what we need, and most people basically want the same things out of a relationship. We want love, faithfulness, honesty, commitment, compromise, and compatibility.

Based on my observations it seems to me that sometimes, for whatever reasons, we’re not in tune with, or maybe we just choose to ignore the cues of incompatibility. I had a conversation the other day about issues with communication in a relationship and it occurred to me then, that sometimes we mistake the signs of incompatibility for communication issues. Sure, all relationships have communication issues every now and again, some more frequently than others, but how do we recognize when disagreements are due to incompatibility and not fixable issues in communication?

I’ll be the first to say our gut never lies. If your instincts tell you it’s not right, it’s probably not, but just in case you’re still wondering, here are 5 solid indicators.

01You Just Can’t Be Yourself Around Your Partner

If you find that instead of just being yourself, you’re constantly trying to please your partner, you refuse to share your opinions for fear of disagreements, or if you’re bending yourself into a pretzel to be the type of guy or girl he or she admires, then that could be a red flag. It’s never easy or pleasant trying to be someone you’re not, and you’ll never be able to keep the facade going forever. Compromising yourself, your opinions, and your happiness is never worth it.

02 – Your Interests are Just Too Different

Now don’t get me wrong, there’s a little bit of excitement to be had when a couple has “differences”. It’s also fine to have your own interests and be able to spend time on your own fulfilling them. However, if you both are never able to compromise and you never take an interest or participate in any of the activities of the other person in the relationship, then enough said; or in this case, not said.

03 – You’re Always Trying to Change Each Other

Whether you’ve been together for a number of years or you’ve just started dating, it is never okay trying to change “core” things about the other person. Trying to break your partner out of bad habits like chewing with his mouth open, or spending too much money at the mall, is okay. But if your partner is a nice church going girl and you’re constantly forcibly trying to take her to the clubs, or if your partner is a free-spirited guy and you’re trying to turn him into a square, then yes, you’re probably incompatible.

04 – Just too Different in the Way you Both Express Your Feelings

Communication is very important in a relationship. If one party shouts and the other never listens, or if there is a lack of empathy or understanding and you both can never come to an agreement on each other’s view or anything for that matter, and you’ve talked about it over and over again and still nothing changes, then it’s safe to say you’re both probably incompatible.

05 – Always Arguing

If any or all the above signs are present, then chances are, you’re always arguing. I believe this is one of the most reliable tell-tale signs of incompatibility. If you’re always butting heads no matter how simple the topic or the conversation, then this is a very good time to take a good hard look at your relationship.

**Disclaimer…I am not a relationship expert; this blog is based on my personal observations and conversations with certain individuals who will remain anonymous.

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27 thoughts on “The Incompatibility Code

  1. That is a great observation Jan between compatibility and communication. You’re quite right, incompatibility isn’t easily fixed and requires much sacrifice. They are young. They will learn in their own time as the burden of sacrifice gets too heavy. Great post and excellent tips.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Great post! I had never thought of it that way but, looking back on past relationships, I do agree with your observations. I think observation 1 is probably also the most dangerous because in your attempt to please, you could open yourself up to abuse in some shape of form. Great observations! Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Relationships can be complicated at times but I think what can sometimes simplify things is knowing exactly what you seek. If what you seek is someone who shares similar values in life with you and, someone whose background and experience aren’t highly dissimilar to yours, then I think there is common ground for communication, a point from which many differences, even if they cannot be settled, at least can be minimized.

    I realized something about relationships: nobody knows it all, no matter how long they’ve been in a relationship or a relationship school. It’s taking pieces of advice here and there and putting the pieces together that gives one a clean picture with which one can advance.

    Thanks Janice, for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think your observations are on point. When the ‘hearts wants what the heart wants’, it can blur our ‘vision’. We then accuse people of being poor partners. The truth is we were not good for each other, but great for someone else.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Those are definitely some major red flags. People always say opposites attract but I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to date someone who you don’t have anything in common with. I would much rather be with someone who is similar to me because that way we’ll enjoy doing things together and not just end up arguing about everything.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. What you said about incompatibility being mistaken for issues with communication definitely struck a chord. You are so right, thinking back on my failed past relationships. Thankfully, my current relationship does not meet any of these 5 signs of incompatibility. I guess we may just work! 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Very true and solid points, especially #’s 1 & 5! I can’t deal with the constant bickering and biting….if we have to be constantly fussing and fighting, I’m out!

    Liked by 1 person

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